A fresh Snowbank!

Welcome to Sailor Jim; Storyteller 2.0.

This is the rebuilt web site that rose from the ashes of the one I carelessly nuked just the other day.

Y’see, I wanted to upgrade my blog program, the absolutely divine Word Press, from the basic 1.5 to the more state of the art 2.8.  Why?

Well, there is this little notice that appears on top of every page in my blog saying, “WordPress 2.8.5 is available!  Please update now.“   The underlined bit, of course, being a link to the update page at WP.

Well, just the other day, I gave into the peer group pressure and tapped the link.  The update page explained how to upgrade, starting with something called a “one-button update.”  The rest of the explanation called for all sorts of up-loading and down-loading, and kept tossing three-letter abbreviations at me that I didn’t recognize …

By the way, I used to be really quite good at all this computer stuff, damn it!  I was part of the team that first installed and programmed computers in the Coast Guard, have taken college-level classes on both software and hardware, and even built a couple of computers from scratch.  I’ve used and tinkered with both Apple and Windows boxes.  I’ve built websites with my two hands and surfed the web from back in the early days of Mozilla.  I’ve downloaded binary porn, for pity sake, and remember when computers used punch-cards for input and printouts for output!

But I hadn’t the foggiest fuck of an  idea what was being explained on that update page!

I did understand the idea of a one-button update, however.  The page listed what servers worked with the one-button deal, but I didn’t see Geek Niche, my patrons, on the list.  At the end of the list, however, it pointed out that there were lots of providers who weren’t on the list, so I clicked my heels and headed for Plesk.

Plesk is this wonderful tool, this fabulous website, that I can use to do damn near anything with my website.  It has all these fascinating icons and buttons under headings like Domains, File, Mail, Statistics, Accounts and many, many more!

In retrospect, letting someone like me have access to something like Plesk is rather like handing the keys of a earth mover to a chimp.  It’s like giving “The Button” to a slightly concussed sixth grader.

I looked over the buttons and icons, and found “Web Applications.”  I clicked on it and, huzzah!  WordPress!  Above the running application was another icon, this one labeled “Install Web Application,” so I clicked it.

Double huzzah!  This was the place!  On the right side of the screen was a selection list of various kinds of applications, so I tapped “Blog” and, sure enough, WP 2.8 popped up, complete with an install icon!

I tapped the install icon and license agreement screen appeared.  I hit the “I Agree” button and was rewarded with a new screen came up, one that wanted … shit.  It wanted passwords; database passwords, admin passwords, all sorts of information that I once had (back when we first set this stuff up), but now hadn’t the slightest idea about.

Hurm … Oh.  Wait.

Back to the main dashboard.  Where is it?  I remember seeing … YES!

Under the aptly named Power Toys icon, Password Revealer!    I hit the button, logged in, and all the passwords were there!

Back to the installation screen, all the passwords entered into place, tap install and … what?

“”PHP safe mode off (available: on, suitable: no)”

What the fuck did that mean?  I searched the various icons and found it under Web Hosting Setup.  “PHP support – Yes  (Apache module , PHP ’safe_mode’ on).”  Did I have any idea what that meant?  Nope, but I knew people who would!

I jumped to my e-mail and discovered that Fate was playing silly buggers with me.  The very person I was about to e-mail had recently sent me an e-mail!  I tapped reply and asked Brother Blaze what I had to do to turn the Apache module (whatever that was) to PHP ’safe_mode’ off?”

He replied a few moments later, telling me that he had turned off whatever needed to be turned off and offering to help if I needed it.

Without replying, I was back at that install screen in a shot.  Passwords in, safe mode off, tap install and … what?

Oh.  It seemed that the installation didn’t like the fact that there was already a directory named “wordpress” and wouldn’t install over it.  Well, nothing simpler!  I went to File Manager and renamed the file to “wordpress1,” and old trick to ensure that nothing went wrong.  Y’see, if the update didn’t save all the settings and so forth, all the information – including my blog entries – would be safely sitting under an assumed name.  I could simply copy the file back over and Bob’ yer uncle!

Back to the install screen!  Passwords in, safe mode off, no directory cock-blocking the install, tap install and … what?

Oh.  It seemed that it didn’t even like installing over an existing program, much less the directory.  Well, that’s nothing big … I went back a few pages, back to where it showed WP 1.5 being installed, and deleted it.

Back to the install screen!  Passwords in, safe mode off, no directory cock-blocking the install, no existing program standing in the way, tap install and … the skies opened and a shaft of pure golden sunlight illuminated the keyboard.  Hosts of angels sang in the background as the updated WP stalled.

It was finished in seconds and I raced to the blog to see what the new … what?

It was a brand new blog.  A brand new bouncing baby blog.  No entries, no comments, no nothing.

Well, that’s why I protected the directory by renaming it, right?

Back to Plesk, back to File Manager, copy everything in ‘wordpress1′ into ‘wordpress!’  Back to the blog and … WTF!!?

Error establishing a database connection

What the hell does that mean?!

I e-mailed Brother Blaze and tried to explain what I’d done.  He explained to me that what I’d actually done was the equivalent of firebombing the small wooden shack where my blog had been hiding.  I told him that the directory was saved, so the entries should still be savable, right?

Er … no.  “The posts are kept in a separate MySQL database.  They’re not files. WordPress is simply the tool that allows you to access the database and make things look pretty.”

Ah.

Seriously, I used to be very, very good with computers and stuff.  Really.  And I’d like to point out that nowhere during my innocently nuking of my blog were there any warning posted, like “Do not use this tool to up-date, only to install new programing” or “If you hit ‘install’ you will lose everything” or even “Deleting this program will result in all database material vanishing like delicate ice crystals under a blow torch … sure you want to do that, sport?”  I took logical steps in a logical progression and now my fingers glow in the dark and my laptop has to be decontaminated.  Is this fair, I ask you?  Is this justice?  Ya think I maybe have a shot at a lawsuit?

Anyway, here’s the end result.  A rebuilt and refurbished blog.  A clean blackboard to write upon, a fresh cotton sheet to wrap myself up in, a brand new snowbank to pee in … a rebirth.

(Ick.  Is it just me, or does that term gross anyone else out?  I mean, I delivered a couple of kids back in the service and, frankly, it was disgusting.  The idea of somehow shoving the kid back in and doing it all over again is downright nauseating, isn’t it?)

Anyway, welcome to my rebuilt blog.  Let’s see if I can keep it alive longer than the last one.